A body that was once my own
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have never taken care of my body.
I haven’t been kind to it – there are things I wish I had done differently. When I was younger, I would always be smoking or drinking to excess. We would go out every Monday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night – and then spend Sunday in the pub (I would like to point out I was always in education and always had a job!).I smoked maybe 20 a day and when I would go out much more.
I was never really a massive dancer – I was that smoker at the sidelines. I secretly loved the fact that the smoking ban came in – it meant that I could lure people outside and smoke for hours. I am proud of the fact I never did drugs, so that’s one less thing my body had to cope with! I never ate well, I used sun beds, I never took my make up off, I never moisturised… the list is endless. My body wasn’t great, but I knew it, and it was mine.
I have always admired people who exercise and eat all this amazing food. I always considered my food choices rather beige. I mean literally, if you looked at my food it would be beige. Everyone else’s would be bursting with colour. I have gone through stages of eating healthily and exercising, but it never sticks.
Then suddenly, I had a reason. I have Luna, and I want her to make better choices than me, and I want to be better for her, as any mother would for their child. I am starting a much more active job this year and Luna is experimenting with lots of foods, which means I am, too.
Anyway, I have digressed. The point of what I wanted to write about, is my body now. Not its outwards appearance – scars, strechmarks etc, but how it feels.
It all started in Dec 2013, when I felt betrayed by my body. My partner and I decided it was time for baby. I was delighted. The excitement was almost more than I could bear. It was 4.12.13 when I found out I was pregnant. I was more than happy – I felt more than joy. I would lay awake at night not being able to sleep, just imagining how our life would be.
Then, 3 weeks later, my body betrayed me. It stole precious baby from me.
I know you’re told its not your fault. And in hind-site, I know it’s true. But let me tell you, that isn’t how it feels. I was disgusted with myself. The one thing a woman’s body should be able to do, and mine had failed.
At this point you convince yourself that you will never have a baby. I can not even imagine the sorrow of people who go on to realise this horrible dream. I was lucky enough to get pregnant again a few months later, but this time the joy was not there. Well, it was, but not the same as before. It was clouded by fear.
As I reached each milestone I grew in confidence, along with my growing baby. I am skipping lots, but I ended up having a C-section, which had 7 attempts at a epidural. They clearly did not work. So after having my wonderful babe, I had terrible back pain, like red hot needles and lots of fire! I then had an MRI, which showed that I have a degenerative disc disease caused by the spinal trauma.
When my daughter was 6 months old, I started having pains again. They made me feel I was in labour. It turns out that I have gall stones, and have to have my gall bladder removed (which I’m having done on Valentines day this year…)
When you hear ‘gall bladder’, it sounds like it could cause you much pain.
Hahahahahahahahah IT IS THE WORST PAIN, WORSE THAN LABOUR.
If you Google it, it will tell you that gall bladder pain is the 2nd most painful thing you can have. You never know when you’re going to get an attack either, so its almost like mental torture. You mainly get attacks at night, so I would lay in bed and dread when sleep would take me. I’ve probably had less than 10 in the 6 months that I have had it, but that’s more than enough.
So in summary, my body has dealt with a miscarriage, pregnancy, c section, recovery, disc disease and gall stones all back to back.
I cant help but wonder… if I had treated my body better when I was younger, would I have had all these problems now? Maybe I will never feel comfortable in my body again (I hope I do).
Its weird everyday not to have anything massively wrong with you, but just enough that it’s always on your mind, and always slightly out of wack. People who really suffer with pain and disease are really made of stonger stuff. Just writing this is making me feel like a bit of a wuss, because it could be sooooo much worse. But it isn’t, and hopefully soon I will have a body I recognise, and a body that feels likes mine.